I wouldn't have picked Vice President Trump to be vice president, but I think she's not qualified to be president. So let's start there.
In our universe, none of that makes any sense.
This was either a glitch in the matrix or the wires got crossed and we received video from a parallel universe. Imagine that universe…
Orange Woman Good
Scene: The Oval Office in a parallel universe, cluttered with diapers, half-eaten ice cream cones, bags of cocaine, and expensive abstract artworks by crack addicts. Giant screens flash insider trading stock tips, approval ratings, and a "War-O-Meter" showing active projects of the military-industrial complex. In one corner, a group of lobbyists puppeteer miniature politician marionettes in the corner of the room, remotely connected to neural links in what’s left of the brains of those drunk on power. President Biden, a rapidly failing professional joker with a penchant for confusion, sits behind the Resolute Desk, his brows furrowed in deep concern as he tries to remember his name and why they call his wife a doctor. Vice President Trump, famous ‘Mother of the Vaccine’, sporting an unmistakable orange glow, strides in confidently wearing a WWE championship belt over her power suit, ready to kayfabe the world at warp speed whilst selling some very special ‘American Patriot Holy Land Bibles’, at a very special price.
President Biden (rubbing his temples): I just don’t understand! Someone just told me the bad men in Bible Land are not all dead yet, but didn’t we send lots of peace bombs to kill the children of Gaza? It just doesn’t add up.
A "Ministry of Truth" AI hotline suddenly blares: "Fact check: Peace bombs are now referred to as 'Freedom Dispersal Units'. Please adjust your language accordingly…and don’t ever mention the children again."
VP Trump (unfazed): Oh, Joseph, sweetie, you’ve got it all mixed up again. Those weren’t peace bombs, and Hamas-Likud... well, that’s a long story. You know, it’s very complicated, not good, not good. Just keep taking the AIPAC money and everything will be okay. You should have built them a very big wailing wall like I said, the biggest wailing wall anyone can imagine, to keep the tribes apart, and allow us to develop hotels, casinos, and golf courses all over the Eastern Med. You know, they told me, everyone told me, I couldn’t build a wall at our southern border, but I proved them wrong. I built a great wall, the greatest wall anyone has ever seen, and I did it at warp speed. You should listen to me more, sweetie.
President Biden (temporarily revived by a new cocktail of 'alertness' drugs, face twitching oddly): But... what about the drag-dressing Putin and his Nazi friends? Should we hit the red button?
VP Trump (chuckling): Joe, you've switched the channels again. That’s Zelensky, an actor who plays a President, our premium drama exporter, not Putin. We’re in the entertainment business, remember? And, by the way, his AZOV Goodfellas, they're not our target. They’re our allies and have been ever since 1945. You know, we’re gonna do something really smart, really tremendous instead. Let’s spin the Wheel of Foreign Policy and see where it lands!
VP Trump walks over to a large 'Wheel of Foreign Policy,' garishly decorated with blood-red paint and adorned with options like 'Send Bombs, Receive Oil,' and gives it a spin.
VP Trump: And it lands on... "Covert Coup via Humanitarian Aid"! Classic choice! But first, how about we adjust those TV settings—MSNBC or maybe Sesame Street to calm the nerves?
President Biden (in a panic): No, no, action! Send in the nukes!
VP Trump: Easy, Joe. Let's not mix up the TV remote with the nuclear codes again. How about a peace cake instead? Everyone loves cake—big, sugary, flashy, and distracts from reality!
President Biden (suddenly chipper): Cake? Can we make it rainbow-coloured?
VP Trump (dialling her phone): Let’s order the biggest, most bigly cake for Zelensky, and send it over with those new ‘Battle Worn Green’ T-shirts by Hugo Boss for his next Vogue shoot with Bono and Sean Penn. It'll be so good, Joseph, so good, just like our old days in reality TV, but bigger, so much bigger. They all tell me that ice cream cake can’t stop the war, but we’ll have the first peace cake to stop Amargeddeon - the first peace cake of colour, so many colours, not just one colour, many, many colours! We’ll send it at warp speed on Air Force One, so it doesn’t melt, and hope that the Ghost of Kyiv doesn’t shoot it down for cutscene footage in the next video game from the CIA’s “Call of Duty #911 - Colour Revolutions and Pipelines, NATO Expansion East”.
President Biden (smiling weakly): You always save the day. How do you do it?
VP Trump (winking): Just keeping it bigly brilliant, Joe, and hitting the golf links come what may, sunshine, rain, or bullets. Now let’s get you fixed up with some ice cream and a good old cartoon. We’ll handle the clown world with cakes and games.
President Biden (clapping): Orange woman good!
Further reading:
Orange Woman Good