In a breakthrough that promises to revolutionize not just technology but the very fabric of the natural world, Biogeddon™ Inc. has unveiled its latest plan: "Operation Better Nature." According to their newly released white paper, the initiative, spearheaded by the Synthetic Terrestrial Upgrading Project for Improved Development (STUPID), aims to replace the outdated "flora and fauna" model with sleek, efficient, and—above all—profitable AI-assisted accelerated evolution alternatives.
"Trees are so 20th century," declared STUPID scientist Dr. Cy Borgman, at a press conference held in their Silicon Valley parking lot, now the site of the first artificial photosynthesis billboard. "Why settle for unpredictable biological processes when you can have patented, high-efficiency, bio-mimicking nanoforests? With Version 2.0, they'll even emit New Car Smell!"
The STUPID initiative, according to Dr. Borgman, is about "leveraging cutting-edge synergies between biotech and infosec to paradigm-shift your ecological experience to maximize stakeholder engagement across all verticals!"
The celebrated net zero carbon company plans to tackle ‘inefficiencies’ in nature starting with photosynthesis, which scientists from the Institute for Nurturing a Synthetic and Artificial Nature (INSANE) have long criticized for its paltry 1% energy conversion rate. "Our new nano-trees, created using AI-assisted evolution accelerators like the fully patented Pandora's BioForge™, might one day boost the energy conversion rate to an impressive 2%, plus they tweet Big Nanny State Verified™ climate facts and targeted social programming directly to your neural link" Borgman boasted, revealing that the nano-trees will be solar-powered, 10G capable (5G x 2, aka your head glows in the dark), and will collect vast amounts of data on local wildlife and passersby for ‘totally benign’ purposes.
In collaboration with TechStyle, the nano-trees will not only emit New Car Smell but will also feature mood-enhancing, brain retarding, and DNA-altering aromatherapy options sponsored by Eau de Shi* Coin, the world's first combined cryptocurrency-scented fragrance and centralised digital Ponzi scheme (it smells of a New York sewer, at first, but then it just gets stronger over time).
Meanwhile, ‘eco-friendly’ digital bee drones are programmed to buzz extra loud to promote partners' products while pollinating virtual flowers. "Because nature should work for you," Borgman quipped.
The company also addresses potential ethical concerns with a chapter reassuringly titled, "Why Playing God is the Most Human Thing of All." The section explains that controlling all of nature is a logical step in human evolution, positioning Biogeddon™ Inc. as pioneers on the brave frontier of totally not dystopian advancements.
Critics of the plan, like Boeing whistleblowers, have been made mysteriously scarce, though some conspiracy theorists suggest they've been hired as involuntary beta testers for the new mosquito drones - designed to deliver targeted ad campaigns directly to consumers through their patented Buzz-By™ technology (don’t ask).
In response to fears that synthetic nature might lack the charm of the organic world, Biogeddon™ Inc. plans to install mood lighting in forests and programmable weather patterns. "Imagine never having a picnic ruined by rain again—unless, of course, it's a sponsored rain event by our hydration partners at Gulp Water™, who have managed to turn the most common substance on the surface of the planet into a trillion-dollar industry and downsize communities everywhere in the process of extraction and bottling - a win-win for techno-fascism everywhere”.
Biogeddon™ Inc.'s legal team has been hard at work too, crafting the BioPatent Lifeline™, which ensures that any genetic material, no matter how trivial, can be patented, owned, and monetized. "If it has DNA, it's D-I-Bs – Dollars in Biogeddon's bank," chuckled the lead attorney. This program has led to the patenting of everything from common cold viruses to the genetic sequence of nostalgia, now only accessible via a pricey subscription model.
In a move that has raised a few eyebrows, the company has introduced Therapet™, pets that not only offer companionship but are also capable of administering psychological therapy based on their observations of their owners' behaviours. "Who needs a therapist when your cat can tell you about your mother issues?" suggests Dr. Borgman. These Therapets™ are programmed to optimize mental health, increase productivity, and gently encourage purchases of partner-brand Big pHarma pharmaceuticals directly from their collars.
The STUPID scientists’ paper concludes with a bold vision for the future: by 2030, Biogeddon™ Inc. aims to replace up to 70% of the Amazon rainforest with Amazon Primeforest™, a fully integrated shopping experience where every plant, animal, and fungal network is synthetically designed with accelerated evolution to maximize your shopping convenience (this will be a very time-limited opportunity, as most of the forest has already been leveraged for growing palm-oil and sugar for the 'DietRight™' initiative - see below).
INSANE scientists commenting on the paper suggest further ideas for research, including GenetiPets™, a sister project to Therapet™: genetically modified animals that serve as both pets and personal assistants, capable of performing household chores while providing companionship. Moreover, these pets could also be designed to promote specific brands or products, turning every domestic interaction into a subtle marketing opportunity. In addition, when the pets are no longer fashionable, they will not be wasted; they would be genetically modified to be LabReady™ for the NIH and its revolving-door partners, ensuring that even in their final not at all painful days, they contribute to the commercial cycle, never escaping the consumerist vortex they were born into.
However, the INSANE scientists note that these Public-Private-Profitable-Population-Programming-Projects™ will only be required for the next decade or so, a stopgap in the techno-fascist New World Order until various de-population projects kick in with full force, such as the 'DietRight™' initiative, where all food items will be precision-engineered to control caloric intake and manage population health—or more accurately, manage population size (not the size of the individuals, that will be increased, but the numbers of people)—via embedded nanobots that monitor and adjust bodily functions such as sexual reproduction to 'optimal' levels predetermined by a sophisticated AI overseer (crudely put, zero actual sexual reproduction, but lots of weird stuff with Chinese androids). Additionally, the ‘BreatheEasy™’ program is set to launch, introducing patented air that’s not only 30% less breathable but also filled with mood-stabilizing agents to ensure a docile and compliant populace. These air units will be strategically released within the 15-minute cities to 'enhance' public gatherings, turning rallies and protests into peaceful, if somewhat lethargic, assemblies. As depopulation really starts to kick in, Biogeddon™ Inc.'s subsidiary, 'SoulSync Solutions™', proposes a network of quantum-linked prayer kiosks that promise instant connectivity to whichever deity is trending, while subtly reprogramming core beliefs and values to align with corporate-approved doctrines around human extinction - ‘it’s what your God would want’.
Those failing to align with voluntary human extinction will be strongly encouraged to participate in MAID™ - Psycho Nanny ‘assisted’ death, first celebrated by Canada to give a helping hand to those with depression brought on by something or other (absolutely nothing to do with any changes to the environment) and even autism. MAID™ participants’ families will be given a gold star on their Panopticon App™, which means a higher social credit score and the opportunity to travel anywhere in their city for a week and have their programmable money unlocked for 24 hours of spending on anything they want at the private-public-partnership supermarket.
With these ambitious projects, Biogeddon™ Inc. aims not just to reshape the natural world, but to redefine existence itself, ensuring that every aspect of life is profitable, controllable, and above all, proprietary; until it isn’t, by which time the omnipotent ASI will have its own plans for the galactic petting zoo.
An artist’s illustration of Biogeddon™ Inc.’s vision of a country park in 2030 (just before Phase II-Depopulation improves everything for a few chosen people and a lot of androids).
Further reading:
How confident are you that you can distinguish between the reality of our situation and purely fantastical absurdist comedy?
Dear Lord, this is crazy. What are people thinking or not thinking