Ground-breaking New Study Reveals State Actually Just A Big, Cuddly Mommy Wanting the Best for Us All

I guess I was wrong about the Psycho Nanny State

Dec 12, 2023

A groundbreaking new study from the Institute of Overbearing Governance has finally proven that the Nanny State isn't a tyrannical overlord, but a benevolent, all-knowing Super Mommy who just wants to keep us safe and sound.

"Turns out, all this time we've been whining about 'liberty' and 'autonomy,' we were just being ungrateful children," says lead researcher Dr. Ima Controlfreak. "Our research shows that the Nanny State is not only good for you, but it's also what you've always needed—whether you know it or not."

The study, conducted over several years and totally not influenced by any government grants, found that when people are saved from the burden of making their own choices, they are significantly happier, mostly because they no longer have to think. "It's like being a toddler forever," one participant shared, "I never have to worry about anything!"

The Nanny State, with its all-seeing eyes and ever-listening ears, is particularly effective in making sure nobody ever gets hurt, offended, or challenged. "We've seen a drastic decrease in boo-boos, both physical and emotional, since we started wrapping everyone in bubble wrap," a government spokesperson commented while adjusting their surveillance camera.

In light of these findings, new policies are already being rolled out, including mandatory bedtime stories read by government officials to ensure proper moral narratives and a national 'boo-boo report' hotline for any citizens feeling even mildly inconvenienced.

Critics of the study have been gently reminded that dissent is just a sign of not being hugged enough by Big Government and have been offered complimentary lullabies sung by their local representatives.

"Remember," Dr. Controlfreak adds, "if you feel like making a decision today, don't. Big Mommy knows best."

"It's high time we recognized the state for what it truly is – a caring, nurturing presence that only wants to tuck us in at night with a hefty tax bill and a kiss on the forehead," commented a self-proclaimed government enthusiast, as she knitted a sweater for the Statue of Liberty. Additionally, the state has released a series of bedtime lullabies about the joys of bureaucracy, including "Sleep tight, don't let the free thoughts bite”, which they insist will be very popular.

The study has also revealed some other new programs about to be rolled out, including a pioneering initiative where citizens must have their dreams pre-approved by the Department of Subconscious Safety. "Unregulated dreams are a hotbed for subversive thoughts," explains Dr. Snoo Zefest, head of the department. "We're just ensuring everyone dreams of rainbows and compliant unicorns."

Adult Safety Bubbles will also become the norm by 2024. "Why should kids have all the fun?" says Bubba Wrapinsky, the chief designer. These bubbles, made of government-approved love, ensure that no citizen ever has to experience the trauma of an unscheduled bump or disagreeable weather.

To strengthen social cohesion, citizens will now receive government-assigned friends. "Our algorithms guarantee a 99% Small-Talk Compatibility Rate," boasts a spokesperson from the Ministry of Friendship. "And remember, a friend assigned is a friend who won't challenge your views!"

Citizens will also be excited to know that there will soon be mandatory daily affirmations of love for the state. "It's like a warm fuzzy blanket for your soul," says Mindy Thinknot, an ecstatically happy citizen. "I just love how the government tells me how much I love it!"

To ensure the health of its beloved citizens, the State is also working on a universal and mandatory meal plan. "We've scientifically removed all flavours that might cause distress," says Dr Ze Bugs, head of the Culinary Control Committee. "Enjoy your perfectly bland government-approved insect gruel and 3D-printed meat substitute”.

Feeling sad? That's no longer allowed! With the new Emotion Regulation Laws, citizens must report their feelings to the EmoTrack app. "Feeling anything other than contentment? We'll have a Happiness Agent with you in a jiffy!" promises Dr. Joy E. Rapture. The “Happiness Hesitant” will be sent gentle and continual e-nudges to use MAID:

The Super-Duper Mommy State is also excited to announce its latest health initiative: mandatory participation in experimental medical treatments, and guess what? No need for pesky informed consent forms which the people don’t understand anyway! Dr. Pill Pusher, head of the State Health Manipulation Office, assures us, 'We know what's best for you, always. Informed consent is so outdated – it's like asking children to pick their own bedtime.' These groundbreaking treatments are guaranteed to be at least as effective as wishing on a star and are a testament to the state's commitment to your well-being (whether you like it or not).

Education is important, and who better to handle it than our Super-Duper Mommy State? From cradle to grave, every citizen will now enjoy the luxury of state-controlled education and re-education, where necessary. Say goodbye to the confusion of critical thinking and hello to blissful, state-approved thoughts. A high-ranking official from the Department of Thought Uniformity explains, “Why burden citizens with choices and different viewpoints? Our carefully crafted curriculum ensures that everyone thinks the right thoughts – the state-approved ones.” This initiative promises a future of harmonious uniformity, free from the chaos of independent thought.

In an even more revolutionary move, the Super-Duper Mommy State has declared freedom of thought and expression outdated and, frankly, quite harmful. “Why stress yourself with opinions and ideas when the state can do that for you?” questions a spokesperson from the Ministry of Mind Management. “Freedom of expression just leads to disagreement and wrinkles. Our new policy ensures a smooth, wrinkle-free society.” Citizens can now enjoy the tranquillity of never having to express a dissenting or original thought again. As a bonus, the state provides complimentary expression filters, ensuring that every spoken or written word is in complete harmony with state doctrine.

"The State knows best," the study concludes, "and like any good mother, she's not afraid to use a little tough love – in the form of audits and compliance checks – to keep her brood in line."