The MAID Slide™
"A Mostly Gentle Descent Into Freedom"
N.B. Judging by the ‘likes,’ very few people approve of my satires, which is a shame. I have no wish to offend anyone; rather, my intent is to shake people out of what I perceive as a general semi-comatose state on many issues, where collectivist authoritarians are allowed to act unchecked. For example, with the following satire, I do not aim to offend the families of those who have chosen to lessen end-of-life suffering through the use of ‘palliative care.’ This approach, while easing pain, also often has the effect of shortening lives somewhat. Over the years, doctors and nurses involved in the deaths of my own friends and family members have provided similar assistance, and I approve of their compassion. But as we see with the cult of woke, compassion can easily be perverted.
If in doubt, ask yourself this question: Knowing what I do about the Psycho Nanny State and the Elite$, can I trust them not to extend their ‘progress’ from helping those at the end of their lives to actively encouraging those with many years ahead of them to avoid being a ‘burden’ on society? Remaining silent on this issue or simply refusing to confront it is not a neutral stance. It has consequences. Everyone’s voice matters.
We must not allow the Psycho Nanny State to exploit these very emotional situations to gradually (or, in the case of Canada, not so gradually) transform our society into one where life no longer holds the same value. Perhaps we can turn things around; perhaps not.
The MAID Slide™
From the official guide to Haven’s MAID Slide:
Welcome to Haven 2037, the world's happiest, most efficient technocratic society. Gone are the days of needless suffering and cluttered hospital wards. Gone are the inefficient expenditures of public funds on the weak, the burdened, and the unproductive. And in their place? Progress. Dignity. The MAID Slide™.
"A Gentle Descent Into Freedom"
That’s the slogan plastered across the towering, chrome-plated structure at the centre of every CarePlex™. The MAID Slide™ is a marvel of modern engineering: a spiral water slide that gleams under synthetic sunlight, its curves reminiscent of a loving embrace. At its base lies "Elysium Pool," a serene, teal-coloured basin where participants are quickly and efficiently eased into their eternal slumber, accompanied by calming music and a light mist of lavender-scented euthanasia vapour.
It’s not just a water slide; it’s a choice. A statement of individual liberty and societal compassion. The MAID Slide™ isn't mandatory—oh no! It’s simply available. For those who feel they’re ready. For those who feel their life has become "non-viable” by New Normal standards.
The Path to the Slide
The process is seamless and dignified. Upon entry to the CarePlex™, visitors are greeted by friendly AI counsellors who assess eligibility:
Are you depressed?
Do you have autism?
Will the State not pay for your care?
Are you burdened by a crippling sense of societal worthlessness?
No judgment, of course. Even if you're just feeling a bit "inconvenient," the MAID Slide™ is here for you.
For those who are unsure, there’s the "Reflective Lounge", a calming space filled with ambient advertisements for the Slide. Testimonials loop on holographic screens:
"I didn’t want to burden my kids anymore. Thanks to the Slide, I was finally able to give them the gift of freedom."
"The Slide isn’t about death—it’s about new beginnings. It’s about giving back to society by stepping aside with grace."
A Celebration of Choice
The MAID Slide™ is a civic event, not a private ordeal. Families are given VIP seating around the Elysium Pool to cheer on their loved ones. Some even organize farewell parties—complete with balloons and confetti cannons, as participants don sleek, biodegradable swimsuits emblazoned with phrases like "My Turn to Shine!" or "Sliding Toward Peace."
At the summit of the slide, participants are met by the Slide Ambassador, an AI hologram designed to look like a comforting maternal figure. “We’re so proud of you,” she says in a soothing tone. “You’re making the world a better place. Ready? 3... 2... 1... Enjoy your journey!”
The Economics of Compassion
The MAID Slide™ wasn’t born out of malice, of course. It was a response to The Great Reset: the fiscal apocalypse of the 2020s, when healthcare systems collapsed under the weight of ageing populations, chronic illness epidemics, and the stubborn refusal of the sick and disabled to simply die quietly.
What began as an option for the terminally ill quickly expanded. The definition of “unbearable suffering” evolved to include any form of dissatisfaction. In Year Five, eligibility expanded to include the unemployed. By Year Eight, the Slide became a common retirement option, saving countless families the expense of elder care. And now? Participation is viewed as an act of civic patriotism.
The Entertainment Economy
The government, ever resourceful, monetized the Slide through MAID-TV, a streaming channel featuring live broadcasts of descents. Families can subscribe to premium packages that include multi-angle footage and slow-motion replays.
For the restless youth, there's the wildly popular "ProSlide League", where participants compete to make their descent the most artistic. Points are awarded for creative postures, emotional monologues, and synchronized gestures mid-slide. Champions are celebrated as national heroes—until their final, mandatory championship descent.
A Society Without Burden
The MAID Slide™ is not just a solution; it’s a philosophy. It’s a reminder that everyone has their place—and their time. Government billboards remind citizens:
"If you love them, let them Slide."
"The Greatest Sacrifice is the Smoothest Ride."
"A Thriving Economy Needs Room to Grow."
Employers now offer "Sliding Packages" as part of severance benefits. Schools teach children about the "Responsibility of Letting Go," ensuring that even the youngest citizens understand their future contributions to society.
The Future of the Slide
With society thriving, the MAID Corporation is already innovating its next big project: The MAID Catapult™. A sleek trebuchet designed to launch participants into the atmosphere for a celestial exit, accompanied by a laser light show. “The sky isn’t the limit,” the ads declare. “It’s the destination.”
Progress marches on, and the world grows lighter, brighter, and more efficient with every joyful descent.
Further reading:
Hello Mathew,
Just wanted to say that I wasn't offended by your last article on assisted death, I think it's good that people can exchange ideas freely on any subject without unfair censorship or personal criticism. In my youth I learned that you can't fight battles for people if they are not prepared to standup for themselves, nor can you change their behaviour by giving them a good shake. Strong balanced individuals are usually created by exceptional parenting or their own hindsight after making many mistakes, and the window of reality is different from everybody's viewpoint despite it being the same window.
Our lives’ bear a striking similarity to the movie “The Matrix” of course without all that Hollywood BS, unfortunately we were all indoctrinated in our youth. They had the afront to call it education, this is why some of our academics refuse to think for themselves and genuinely believe that vaccines are safe and effective without doing any of the necessary research. It's also why the uneducated allow the educated to govern over them, their low opinion of themselves prevents them from asking questions in case they appear dumb. I’ve always picked my fights and chosen my battles, my fear is that nobody takes me seriously because my arguments are so sparsely spread and your personal character has become one of nothing more than agitation.
Anyway, if I may conclude your efforts to rub salt into an open wound, recently you posted a Substack, the heading was, “Caption This”. It was a picture of a poorly dressed young man sitting one table back from Justin Trudeau and Donald Trump add a high-class dinner poking faces for the benefit of all to see. Can't help but wonder who that young man was, and why his mother allowed him to go to such a formal dinner dressed like a bastard. Justin Trudeau has three children, two boys and one girl the youngest is named Hadrien. On August the 2nd 2023 the Trudeau’s announced their separation after 18 years of marriage the Prime Minister wrote on Instagram, Sophie and I would like to share the fact that after many meaningful and difficult conversations we have made the decision to separate.
I don't know, but could it be? Can’t blame Sophie for leaving that prick of a man, and I certainly wish their children all the best.
Just Saying is it possible?
https://people.com/all-about-justin-trudeau-children-8609614